mew.

i'm exhausted.
and there is a kitten curled up in my yellow blanket next to me.
but i felt the need to post something, to get back into the habit.
so i'm posting.
about my kitten.
and how i will now go curl up in my yellow blanket with him.
and take a nap.
g'nite.

coffee. cats. cash. crap.

i need to get back into posting.
so this is my post to post.
i apologize ahead of time for its disjointedness.

my cat is playing with the trash can.
my allergies are going crazy.
and i think my coffee is cold.

3ejmq1

that was him walking on my keyboard.

i love him dearly.
he's just a little baby.
and he's adorable right now.
but i have to say that i'm looking forward to getting out of the toddler stage.
he needs constant attention, which i'm willing to give when i'm around.
but apparently, as told by my parents, i'm not around enough.
because leaving for a shoot and coming back after 6 hours of work is being a terrible parent.
even though my dad works at home and he could easily let the cat come sit with him during part of the day.
whatever.
i love being told i'm a bad parent by my own parents.
makes me feel wonderful.
especially when i do everything i can for this little guy.
and every waking moment, i'm in his room with him playing.
or cuddling.
or taking beatings from him.
like any good parent should do.

i'm pretty tired of the allergies, too.
i need to start my shots.
and i need to pack up my apartment.
and i need to move my shit back home for two weeks.
and then i need to take it back to where it was, basically, and move in again.
woohoo.

i also have no money.
i've been playing the waiting game to see if my boss wants me to stay on during the school year.
so i haven't gotten a paying job.
and i have no cash.
and all of the sudden my parents expect me to pay for my food and stuff when i go out.
which never happened before, even when i had a paying job.
i'm confused.
i need to move out.




i need. to move. out.

predators.

sometimes, i wonder.

i wonder about the state of the world.
i wonder if we'll ever recover from this depraved form of humanity.
i wonder if the disease is contagious.
and i wonder if i have it.

i wonder if anyone doesn't.

because when it comes down to it, we could never be perfect.
we could never be close to perfect.
even the closest are, as we say, human.
even they slide into the depths of vice, willingly or not.

why do we separate ourselves from the animal kingdom?
it's all we are, all we ever were, all we will be.
we feed on dominance, attention, sex.
we are animals.

why can't we accept it?

i promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you.

where do the days go?
it seems that every second i spend worrying about one thing is another second i never had time to worry in the first place.
and that every moment spent thinking is another moment wasted.
that is how we get by, am i right?
sometimes the brain becomes idle. sometimes the autopilot lifts off. sometimes we awaken detached, lifeless, soulless.
the one thing i would choose to avoid, if i could avoid any one thing, is the experience of doing without experiencing.
because, if you can't stop and realize the moment you're in, what's the point of being in it?

i'm wrapped up in work.
i have freelancing jobs coming in.
i have a baby kitten to take care of.
i have money to account for.
or a lack of it, rather.

i've stopped dead in my tracks, where i was on my way to a more tranquil pace, and am now running in the oposite direction.
i know i'm only twenty one. i know that seems like just a child to some people. but i'm not getting any younger, and it only gets more difficult from here on.
i cannot, will not, let my life pass me by.




but the saddest part is that i know i will.