hey babe.
[yeah, i miss that. it's true.]
just need to tell you,
[even though you'll never read this,]
that it's about time you grew up.
[once and for all.]
because the only one you're fooling is yourself.
[not even your fan girls, honey.]
you push away the only people that love you.
[because even those fan girls don't really give a shit about you.]
you see yourself as a martyr and a starving artist.
[and your fan girls see you as a hot piece of ass to fuck.]
i saw you for who you really were,
[which, at this point, is unfortunate]
and i tried to help.
[it was help you would never accept; that's too weak of you.]
but meanwhile, as you're drowning in your pathetic sadness,
[as you did countless times throughout your life, except for when i was a part of it,]
i've overcome my obstacles and am moving on through life.
[which you will never do, because depending on mommy and daddy will get you nowhere.]
so get up off that fifteen year old bunk bed, put on your shoes, and go outside.
[and i don't mean to walk alone in the woods.]
go get a life.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
bad things come in threes.
i have Chelsea Dagger stuck in my head.
ironic, because while the lyrics go something like this:
da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da;
da da da, da da da, da da da da da...
i feel a sense of redundancy in my life.
over and over again, i find myself in a relationship where the friendship runs strong, but the spark fades quickly.
over and over again, i struggle with my weight and being healthy.
over and over again, i feel the need to express myself creatively but cannot.
it leaves me, well, stuck in a very big rut.
i've mentioned before that i'm both addicted to- and afraid of- change.
that's why i'm feeling so frustrated lately.
i need to do something about my relationship.
i need to do something about my weight.
i need to do something about my art.
well, the relationship thing... can sadly be summed up in an episode of family guy: you can't force the spark back in.
so now, i'm just waiting for it to come around on its own.
i have a feeling i could be waiting for a long time...
i've joined weight watchers. and i lost 10 pounds.
i've also gained back 2 over the past 2 weeks.
and this week, i'm sure i've put on at least 3.
tomorrow i'll bike for a while. maybe 20 miles instead of ten.
well, at least 15.
but i'm not sure if that will counteract such a bad week.
i'm waiting for thursday to come around so i can say 'enough' and move on.
i need to start back up with piyo again, too.
good lord, i need to do a lot.
as far as my creativity block goes,
i just don't know.
it may be from lack of shooting or being involved in the creative process.
it could be missing out on that group dynamic and soul energy that comes from a band.
it might even have something to do with my dwindling do-something-crafty time.
i miss painting. i miss sculpting. i miss metalworking and cloisonne and felting and drawing.
sometimes i regret my decision to major in photography.
yes, i love it. i always have. but that doesn't mean that it brings me fulfillment.
i remember how satisfying it would be to hand craft something- anything- from scratch.
i remember the long hours i would put into each piece.
the sweat, and the tears, and yes- even the blood, sometimes.
but by the time that piece was finished, it was a child to me.
not a file on a computer.
not a group of pixels.
it was more than that.
and i really miss that fulfillment...
everyone has always said, "well, you can do your art on the side!"
and for years, i believed them.
but in reality, there isn't any time. there isn't any juice left over after a day of high demands and stress.
the last thing i want to do is put more pressure on myself with something that's supposed to relieve that stress.
maybe it's because i'm in school.
maybe it's because i'm paying my dues.
who knows, perhaps someday i'll have time to work with my hands again.
but who knows if, by then, i still have the passion?
how's that for a ramble on for ya?
if you've made it this far through the entry, god bless you.
now go do something useful with your time.
go be creative for me. ❤
ironic, because while the lyrics go something like this:
da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da;
da da da, da da da, da da da da da...
i feel a sense of redundancy in my life.
over and over again, i find myself in a relationship where the friendship runs strong, but the spark fades quickly.
over and over again, i struggle with my weight and being healthy.
over and over again, i feel the need to express myself creatively but cannot.
it leaves me, well, stuck in a very big rut.
i've mentioned before that i'm both addicted to- and afraid of- change.
that's why i'm feeling so frustrated lately.
i need to do something about my relationship.
i need to do something about my weight.
i need to do something about my art.
well, the relationship thing... can sadly be summed up in an episode of family guy: you can't force the spark back in.
so now, i'm just waiting for it to come around on its own.
i have a feeling i could be waiting for a long time...
i've joined weight watchers. and i lost 10 pounds.
i've also gained back 2 over the past 2 weeks.
and this week, i'm sure i've put on at least 3.
tomorrow i'll bike for a while. maybe 20 miles instead of ten.
well, at least 15.
but i'm not sure if that will counteract such a bad week.
i'm waiting for thursday to come around so i can say 'enough' and move on.
i need to start back up with piyo again, too.
good lord, i need to do a lot.
as far as my creativity block goes,
i just don't know.
it may be from lack of shooting or being involved in the creative process.
it could be missing out on that group dynamic and soul energy that comes from a band.
it might even have something to do with my dwindling do-something-crafty time.
i miss painting. i miss sculpting. i miss metalworking and cloisonne and felting and drawing.
sometimes i regret my decision to major in photography.
yes, i love it. i always have. but that doesn't mean that it brings me fulfillment.
i remember how satisfying it would be to hand craft something- anything- from scratch.
i remember the long hours i would put into each piece.
the sweat, and the tears, and yes- even the blood, sometimes.
but by the time that piece was finished, it was a child to me.
not a file on a computer.
not a group of pixels.
it was more than that.
and i really miss that fulfillment...
everyone has always said, "well, you can do your art on the side!"
and for years, i believed them.
but in reality, there isn't any time. there isn't any juice left over after a day of high demands and stress.
the last thing i want to do is put more pressure on myself with something that's supposed to relieve that stress.
maybe it's because i'm in school.
maybe it's because i'm paying my dues.
who knows, perhaps someday i'll have time to work with my hands again.
but who knows if, by then, i still have the passion?
how's that for a ramble on for ya?
if you've made it this far through the entry, god bless you.
now go do something useful with your time.
go be creative for me. ❤
Thursday, August 25, 2011
funny thoughts.
i think
that you and i
were meant to be together
from the start.
sometimes i wonder
if it would still work out.
i don't think it would.
that would be too easy.
and you're more like
a brother
to me now.
what,
with the relationship consultations
and everything.
but i know
that there was that potential.
and sometimes i wonder about it.
just for fun.
you know.
i remember thinking one day,
two years ago, maybe,
that i should stop you on your way in to class
and probably kiss you,
take your breath away,
but that i would never actually do it.
i knew myself well.
but what would have happened if i had done it?
i wonder if you would be talking to her
about your problems with me.
i wonder if
everything
would still be the same.
funny thoughts, i'm having.
that you and i
were meant to be together
from the start.
sometimes i wonder
if it would still work out.
i don't think it would.
that would be too easy.
and you're more like
a brother
to me now.
what,
with the relationship consultations
and everything.
but i know
that there was that potential.
and sometimes i wonder about it.
just for fun.
you know.
i remember thinking one day,
two years ago, maybe,
that i should stop you on your way in to class
and probably kiss you,
take your breath away,
but that i would never actually do it.
i knew myself well.
but what would have happened if i had done it?
i wonder if you would be talking to her
about your problems with me.
i wonder if
everything
would still be the same.
funny thoughts, i'm having.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
the best thing about soy candles is that they last forever.
i've been doing a lot of heavy posting recently.
frankly, it's because there has been a lot to post heavily about.
but despite the rigmarole, the ups and downs, the epiphanies and the nightmares,
tonight, i have hope.
i have hope for the world and its problems.
i have hope for this country and its roller coasters.
i have hope for this city and the people who live in it.
i have hope for my family. (well, part of my family.)
i have hope for my friends, for their struggles and yearning.
and lastly, i have hope for myself.
i don't know why.
i don't know what kind.
but i have hope for myself.
at this moment, here at 8:17 pm,
sitting in my bedroom ,
in the northeast corner of the house,
at the end of the road,
in the development furthest east of penfield,
in northwestern new york,
i have hope.
it's taken an odd set of circumstances to remove myself from my body.
i've been able to see my past in someone else's present, and in that present lies my future.
because life is a cycle.
it's not just the BornLiveDie cycle, but the WinLoseTie cycle too.
and i have been born, and have lived a fraction of my life.
but during my time on earth, i have won, i have lost, and i have tied.
and i have done it all over again.
and again.
and again.
but the reason i never accepted it was because i never understood.
i knew, but couldn't grasp the idea that the cycle of life is universal.
i am not the only one feeling pain and sorrow. or helplessness and discomfort. or agony and uncertainty.
and i am not the only one feeling lost or misguided, cheated or forgotten.
i am not the only one.
i am not alone.
so while i understand-finally-that my turn will soon come, i take comfort in knowing that it too will pass.
it must. otherwise, the cycle will break, and the world will fall.
and the only reason for the cycle to break is for you to allow it to break you first.
i know i'm stronger than that.
and i know you are, too.
this too shall pass.
❤
frankly, it's because there has been a lot to post heavily about.
but despite the rigmarole, the ups and downs, the epiphanies and the nightmares,
tonight, i have hope.
i have hope for the world and its problems.
i have hope for this country and its roller coasters.
i have hope for this city and the people who live in it.
i have hope for my family. (well, part of my family.)
i have hope for my friends, for their struggles and yearning.
and lastly, i have hope for myself.
i don't know why.
i don't know what kind.
but i have hope for myself.
at this moment, here at 8:17 pm,
sitting in my bedroom ,
in the northeast corner of the house,
at the end of the road,
in the development furthest east of penfield,
in northwestern new york,
i have hope.
it's taken an odd set of circumstances to remove myself from my body.
i've been able to see my past in someone else's present, and in that present lies my future.
because life is a cycle.
it's not just the BornLiveDie cycle, but the WinLoseTie cycle too.
and i have been born, and have lived a fraction of my life.
but during my time on earth, i have won, i have lost, and i have tied.
and i have done it all over again.
and again.
and again.
but the reason i never accepted it was because i never understood.
i knew, but couldn't grasp the idea that the cycle of life is universal.
i am not the only one feeling pain and sorrow. or helplessness and discomfort. or agony and uncertainty.
and i am not the only one feeling lost or misguided, cheated or forgotten.
i am not the only one.
i am not alone.
so while i understand-finally-that my turn will soon come, i take comfort in knowing that it too will pass.
it must. otherwise, the cycle will break, and the world will fall.
and the only reason for the cycle to break is for you to allow it to break you first.
i know i'm stronger than that.
and i know you are, too.
this too shall pass.
❤
Monday, August 22, 2011
old bones.
i have many things i could write about floating on through my head now.
the scent of mango and coconut milk from the candle on my table.
the coldness of this room and the way it evaporates when i sip my tea.
the small movements my tiny kitten makes as he changes position at my feet.
but more than anything, i need to muse about the world.
because i am losing faith in everything that once made sense to me.
love is not commitment, but lust.
marriage is not love, but commitment.
commitment is not a duty, but love.
for all i know, yes means no, and the world spins backwards.
everything is equally possible to me now.
do i know my friends as i thought i did?
did i know them too well, and did i choose to forget?
did i know them and know that i wished them different?
or that i wished them the same...
do i know what it is to care?
to feel the pain of another as much if not more so?
do i feel too much? do i feel what isn't felt by others?
i do feel too much.
i do cry too fluidly.
i do hate so vehemently.
i do love too deeply.
is there anyone like me, whose emotions are linked to those they care about most?
do you burn a thousand fires when a friend is wronged?
do your eyes well up with tears when another is disheartened?
is there something wrong with me, or am i meant to be the one who feels just to feel? who does just to do? and who knows just to know?
do i live just to live, or am i here for a reason?
the scent of mango and coconut milk from the candle on my table.
the coldness of this room and the way it evaporates when i sip my tea.
the small movements my tiny kitten makes as he changes position at my feet.
but more than anything, i need to muse about the world.
because i am losing faith in everything that once made sense to me.
love is not commitment, but lust.
marriage is not love, but commitment.
commitment is not a duty, but love.
for all i know, yes means no, and the world spins backwards.
everything is equally possible to me now.
do i know my friends as i thought i did?
did i know them too well, and did i choose to forget?
did i know them and know that i wished them different?
or that i wished them the same...
do i know what it is to care?
to feel the pain of another as much if not more so?
do i feel too much? do i feel what isn't felt by others?
i do feel too much.
i do cry too fluidly.
i do hate so vehemently.
i do love too deeply.
is there anyone like me, whose emotions are linked to those they care about most?
do you burn a thousand fires when a friend is wronged?
do your eyes well up with tears when another is disheartened?
is there something wrong with me, or am i meant to be the one who feels just to feel? who does just to do? and who knows just to know?
do i live just to live, or am i here for a reason?
Monday, August 15, 2011
touching.
who am i to touch a life? i've had my hand in many things... but what is it, to make contact?
to awaken a light within someone else, or to guide or guard?
what is it worth, to touch, if i can change nothing?
what does it take to feel?
or to be felt?
and why can't i do a thing, when i feel i need to most?
when the hand that has touched me so many times is silently begging for help?
to awaken a light within someone else, or to guide or guard?
what is it worth, to touch, if i can change nothing?
what does it take to feel?
or to be felt?
and why can't i do a thing, when i feel i need to most?
when the hand that has touched me so many times is silently begging for help?
Friday, August 12, 2011
tidal.
[I'm taking a risk, posting this. I hope I don't cause too much trouble.]
He’s unhappy. Nervous. Lonely. Suspicious. I do everything I can to reassure him. Tell him that he doesn’t need her to be happy. Tell him he’s got nothing to worry about. That she’d never do something like that.
She might. I don’t know her anymore. I’ve had to learn to visualize her as his girl. Not my old friend. She can’t be, anymore. I can’t know her secrets. I can’t know her social agenda. I can’t know her love life.
I can’t know because I need to protect him. And I need to protect myself. Sometimes I’m not sure which is more important.
I know he’d be better without her. I know he’d be happier, fulfilled, and on his way to great things. Without her. He needs someone to stand by him, support him, hold him after nightmares. Metaphorically. The last thing he needs is someone who cares more about preserving their lifestyle than entering into a partnership.
After all, that’s what love is, right?
No, perhaps not. Not love. Marriage, though? Yes. And that’s what matters. Love will fade. Lust will die, and infatuation will burn off. But caring, and kindness, and respect… isn’t that what marriage is built on?
I’ve become jaded. I don’t hide it anymore. There’s no reason to pretend I’m happy, or that I have hope. I don’t. I know that the idea of eternal love is nothing close to reality. I know that my flames and muses are just that. I know that if they were anything more, they’d be nothing. And I know that my love is just a commitment to nurturing a boy’s soul and seeing him through life. If it were any more than that, it wouldn’t be real.
Have I become an empty shell of myself, or am I now deeper than ever? Do I truly understand, or is this my self defense? I know that we trick ourselves into thinking things did or didn’t happen to protect our psyches. I’ve experienced that. And I’ve torn the curtain down to expose what was there all along. I’ve conquered it. Does that mean that I won’t do it again? Does that mean I haven’t done it again? Does that mean I’m not doing it now?
How do I give guidance when I’ve lost touch with reality? How do I feel the pain and frustration of a friend when I only know emptiness and desire? When I settle for something, just because it’s something? And when the chase is the best part of the game?
I need something to stand on. These tidal waves are getting to be too much to handle. Someone throw me a goddamned raft.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
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