tidal.

[I'm taking a risk, posting this. I hope I don't cause too much trouble.]

He’s unhappy. Nervous. Lonely. Suspicious. I do everything I can to reassure him. Tell him that he doesn’t need her to be happy. Tell him he’s got nothing to worry about. That she’d never do something like that.

She might. I don’t know her anymore. I’ve had to learn to visualize her as his girl. Not my old friend. She can’t be, anymore. I can’t know her secrets. I can’t know her social agenda. I can’t know her love life.

I can’t know because I need to protect him. And I need to protect myself. Sometimes I’m not sure which is more important.

I know he’d be better without her. I know he’d be happier, fulfilled, and on his way to great things. Without her. He needs someone to stand by him, support him, hold him after nightmares. Metaphorically. The last thing he needs is someone who cares more about preserving their lifestyle than entering into a partnership.

After all, that’s what love is, right?

No, perhaps not. Not love. Marriage, though? Yes. And that’s what matters. Love will fade. Lust will die, and infatuation will burn off. But caring, and kindness, and respect… isn’t that what marriage is built on?

I’ve become jaded. I don’t hide it anymore. There’s no reason to pretend I’m happy, or that I have hope. I don’t. I know that the idea of eternal love is nothing close to reality. I know that my flames and muses are just that. I know that if they were anything more, they’d be nothing. And I know that my love is just a commitment to nurturing a boy’s soul and seeing him through life. If it were any more than that, it wouldn’t be real.

Have I become an empty shell of myself, or am I now deeper than ever? Do I truly understand, or is this my self defense? I know that we trick ourselves into thinking things did or didn’t happen to protect our psyches. I’ve experienced that. And I’ve torn the curtain down to expose what was there all along. I’ve conquered it. Does that mean that I won’t do it again? Does that mean I haven’t done it again? Does that mean I’m not doing it now?

How do I give guidance when I’ve lost touch with reality? How do I feel the pain and frustration of a friend when I only know emptiness and desire? When I settle for something, just because it’s something? And when the chase is the best part of the game?

I need something to stand on. These tidal waves are getting to be too much to handle. Someone throw me a goddamned raft.