“If we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."

i am afraid
that i care too much
about you.

i am afraid
that i want something
that isn't possible.

i am afraid
that i feel something
that isn't there.

i'm afraid
that i'll fall in love with you
but you won't love me back.

we have a connection. i feel it. you must feel it too.
it's a connection i've never really had before.
it's been close, but different.
this time, it's real. it's forgiving. it's human.
i don't want it to go to waste.
whatever that means.
i think we could be something.
i think we could be something great.
i think we could be exactly what we need.

i'm just afraid
that you'll never see me
the way you see her.

and i'm afraid
that i'm leading myself
somewhere i'm not wanted.

del silencio.

t     o       d   o     q     u        e    q          u    i       e              r        o 

     e   s          q   u           e   m          e       q   u            i  e     r            e   s

c   o      m o      t         u       q u     i      e   r   e        s   a   e    l     l      a 

   y     c     o     m       o     t           e     q       u i        e      r         o .

your hand in mine.

what do i want?

as i listen to these familiar notes, i'm brought back three years ago.
beginning my freshman year, exploring new media.
making films with soundtracks by experimental musicians.
feeling the energies from the world around me.
living, breathing, thriving by them.

what have i lost?

the world is old to me now.
i desire the fresh eyes of a child.
i dream of the impossible and wake to cold reality.
limiting myself, limiting my limits.
pragmatism has consumed my imagination.

who am i?

don't know if i've changed or if it was the world.
two moving objects on a stationary ground.
which way is up?
my passion is poignant, but revelations few.
this isn't the person i used to know.

where do i go?

howl at the moon.

mark me like the wolf;
i am your deception.
dreaming in red and gold,
waking in hallucinations.
can i cry for your attention?
do i lie of my conception?
when the day dies,
i am the one that holds me.
and never again to run.




i know i haven't written much lately.
to be honest, i've been in a state of panic. sometimes figuratively, and sometimes quite literally.
my emotions have caused another flood, which is something i am used to.
but that, unfortunately, doesn't make it easier to swim.
at this point, i've exhausted my limbs, and am floating on my back for as long as i can hold.
riding the wave is a necessity for me. if i didn't give in to the waters, i would drown.
so here i am again. floating, floating, floating...
i don't try to make sense of it anymore. i just try to stay connected.
it's not about what i feel; it's about whether i feel.
and i know, for now, that i do.
so that small victory is something i will hold on to.

i've stopped writing in my journal.
i know i ought to pick it up again.
i'm positive it would help me.
but the first cut is the deepest.
and sometimes, i don't see a reason to start.
[now that i read that, i laugh at the irony...]

i feel as weak as prey.
i have no defenses; i'm alone in an open field.
i'm soft and susceptible, because nature curses me so.
and i fear that the only way to hide is to live a lie. to become the predator.
so i am now the hunter.
i seek what i want, when i want it.
i take what i see, when i see it.
i do what i feel, when i feel it.
because the only conviction i have now
is the conviction of an act.

through the wormhole.

i am tired. exhausted, even.
but i lie here and think of nothing other than myself.
myself, and my incessant loneliness.

what a word, loneliness.
it needs more synonyms.
i despise its simplicity. i despise its logicality.
yet i still use it, since it is the only thing i feel now.

it's not a void.
it's no emptiness or sadness or madness.
it is the immense feeling of being alone to the core.
when you realize that those you love don't love you the same.
when you understand that you cannot die any way but alone.
when you see the vastness of the universe, and little tiny you.
that is loneliness at its worst.

and when i think of what i felt for him and what he feels for me,
when i feel what i think of you and how i've succumbed to it,
when i wonder who i am and who i will be, would be, could be with you...
...or him, or that one, or even this one...
i know it all means nothing to the universe.
so why does it mean so much to me?

dear universe,

...please take away these boys and give me a man.



i need someone to talk to. and i mean, talk, to. i'd like to hold real conversations about more than one topic. i want to be able to talk about literature, politics, arts, music, science, environmentalism, current events. i want to use my vocabulary without being laughed at. i want to learn new words and ideas. i want to be surprised by his opinions or provoked to thought by them.

i need someone to laugh with. i need a good combination of stupid, silly humor and articulate, witty humor. i need to be able to act my crazy normal self when i'm stressed or tired without getting a strange look. i want someone to join in and laugh at me or be stupid right along with me. but i need someone who can realize when that humor is necessary and when it's not. and i want someone to hold their own in a sarcastic, overblown battle of witticisms. someone who i can share that secret language with, when people look at us and say to each other, "wow, they really get each other."

i need someone to love me. deeply. for everything i am. not just for the person they think i am. or for the person i was when i met them. i want someone to see me, and see all of me. the writer, the poet, the musician, the painter, the sculptor, the illustrator, the photographer, the overall artist, the athlete, the problem solver, the leader, the intellectual, the original, the creative, the sensitive, the sensual, the joker, the light-heart, the inquisitive, the educator, the lifetime student, the daring, the reserved me.

i need someone to grow with. i need a relationship that will develop and change through time. not just the first week. not the first month. not the first year. i want to be with someone who is willing to try new things with me, and who is open to changing it up once in a while. i need someone who wants to learn, and grow, and change with me. i want someone who loves life and its process of development as much as i do.

i need someone who isn't afraid to work for what he wants. who isn't afraid to work. who works hard because it's in his DNA, because he's motivated, he's inspired, and he wants to make a difference. i want to be able to look at him and be proud of what he's accomplished in his lifetime. i want to be supportive of what he's doing now. i want his work to inspire me, and mine him,

i want someone who treats me like gold. not because he think it's what i want, but because it's what he wants. i want to be treated well out of love. and i want someone who doesn't expect it when i put him on a pedestal and treat him like royalty. i want to see that surprise. i want to see that feeling of self-worth. i want to see his confidence grow. and i want to see our love grow.



i know i ask for a lot...
but if there are so many fish in the sea,
why doesn't someone come to me?

she's been everybody else's girl. maybe one day, she'll be her own...

sometimes the world spins around me like my distance vision in these reading glasses.
it all seems fine for a moment, until you realize that nothing is in focus and everything is warped at the edges.
it's not like being flat out drunk, lying on your back, with the ceiling spinning...
it's different.
because at least you have the illusion of things being clear and making sense.
but it all disappears when you make the slightest movement, and reality comes, twisting and turning and blurring, at your face.

when the dust settles, what is left?
i'm back to my old self again.
alone, lonely, but in a familiar place.
i'm my high school self, but quieter.
quiet in my mind.
i've learned to hush my emotions.
they're still here, still powerful...
but i'm learning to control them.
set them aside.

sometimes i succeed.

i've been listening to too much tori for my own good.
but that doesn't mean i'll ever stop.


and i'm fully aware that none of this post will make sense to most people.
but that's ok with me.

we are siamese, if you please.

i really miss my cat.

there's something about having that unconditional love.

that little face that's always eager to play.

the big personality that's always there to make you smile.

the tiny voice that assures you that you're not alone.

i'm hoping to bring him here within the next week.

i would have loved to see him this weekend, but i had a number of social obligations.

the more i think about it, the more i believe 'crazy cat lady' is a viable future occupation for me.

aside from tiring of society, i'm also nearly finished with the whole 'dating' concept.

to be honest, sometimes i think arranged marriages are the smart way out.

when you're obligated to spend time with someone, you're forgiven for being unhappy.

not to mention, you can take care of the benefits, children, dual income, and loan situation much easier.

it's like having a business relationship.

and i'm better at business than relationships.

sounds like a plan to me.

soul sleeping.

i'm tired.

tired of not sleeping.
tired of eating.
tired of drinking when i know i shouldn't.
tired of knowing i should be feeling something.
tired of feeling i should know something.

i'm tired of waking up and dreading the day to come.
i'm tired of staying at home.
i'm tired of going out.
i'm tired of people.
i'm tired of being alone.

tired of feeling selfless.
tired of feeling selfish.
tired of feeling senseless and depraved and directionless.
tired of wanting what i shouldn't want.
tired of acting older than i should be.
tired of being younger than i should be.

i'm tired of cooking for myself when i know i'm the only one home.

i'm tired of rounding out my character when no one is there to notice.

i'm tired of trying and trying and getting nowhere.

i'm tired of being one thing to everyone, and not everything to someone.

wrapped up in damask.

i don't know what i ought to be feeling.
i don't know what i ought to be thinking.
you ask me, "what?"
my mouth replies, "i don't know."
my heart replies, "this is difficult."
my brain hushes my lips, then, and keeps me silent.
your hand rests only inches from mine,
but i'm afraid to reach for it.
i'm afraid that you'll let go.
and everything we've been through will be lost.
lost, like my thoughts, when i look in your eyes.
lost, like my conscience, when i listen to you speak.
and all i can think of is pressing my lips to yours,
silencing your troubles, and mine,
and becoming tangled in the moment once again.
but i cannot; i am weak.
and i need you to help me free myself.

never was a cornflake girl.

thought it was a good solution.



you and i, we've been through a lot together.
you've been through a lot of me.
i've been through a lot of you.
would have expected this to happen sooner.
would have expected it never to happen.

i'm tripping as i think,
playing out the reel of possibilities.
is this a comedy?
do we find a soul in each other,
live, learn, grow together?
is this a tragedy?
do we lose sight of who we are,
do we fall apart?

the scales have settled in my mind.
they've been settled in my heart.
have they settled in you, too?

i've made myself a promise-
a promise to let go.
of the future.
of the past.
and to live in the present.
no, not your perfect carpe diem.
just living. and enjoying it.
will you join me?

cashmere.

it's cold out.
the nice, just barely uncomfortable kind of cold.
the cold that keeps you awake,
keeps you aware of your surroundings.
i do love this weather; if only i had a sweater...

i've got my cheeky peach tea from java's to keep me warm.
their coffee is really atrocious, but the tea is fantastic.
it's probably the only place on campus i'll bother going into anymore.

i really ought to spend more time in the library.
i need to stop buying books i'll never read again.
i need to get a cup of tea and plop myself down on an uncomfortable chair.
and sift through photo books.
and design books.
and art books.
and then maybe i'll read something, for real.

i started oliver twist yesterday.
i remember trying to read it a year or so ago, and being turned off by the first sentence.
once i get home, i'll replace this line with the text so you can see how off-turning it is.
but i managed to get past it this time, and so i'm on the fourth or so chapter, having only read for a little while last night.
the thing i like to do most is to pull the comforter off of my bed, wrap up in it, and sink down into my squeaky, obnoxious couch.
i think i could stay there, like that, for days.
maybe sometime, i should.

i noticed a friend recently regain his ability to connect and observe the world around him.
after a discussion in my business class, i am now attempting to do the same.
however, he did this unknowingly, as a consequence of correcting his mental state.
now i am to try it in the opposite way, by making myself pay attention to the world around me,
and hopefully it will bring me happiness.

sometimes the mind is too dark a place to dwell...

that's all for now. it's chilly, my tea is getting cold, and i have a meeting to get to.
ciao, bei.

i love you, standing all alone in a black coat.

what is in a first kiss?
does it contain the passion of lust,
or the perseverance of love?
is it a fiery expulsion of instinct,
or a well devised gesture of caring?

i'm not certain if there's a way to know.
even from one's own perspective, it's difficult to tell what fuels the body when the mind says, "go!"
do we ever really know why we do what we do in times of passion?
are they genuine actions, with motives hidden in the depths of the heart?
or is it the primal characteristics we still hold after thousands of years as civilized humans?

what is love, anyway?
and what is lust?
and how do they do the little tango they do?
why do we know where to step and when to spin?
and how are we supposed to tell if this is fast argentine, or slow milonga?

i know that i want both.
that has taken a long time to admit.
love is beautiful, but not without lust.

lust is the flame that sparks spontaneity.
it's the sparkle in your eye when you say, "hello."
lust is the wind that stirs the settled beach;
it can create a tsunami,
or a paradise.

lust
is what brings change.
and the need for change is written in the code of my very being.