there is nothing
like waking up
to a message
5 hours old
from a friend
who wants to kill himself.
not when today
is the 5th anniversary
of the day she died.
there is nothing
like this phenomenon
of idealized escape.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
the first time.
so we met for the first time.
i was really nervous.
she acted like she did this every day.
i think she does.
i felt the need to explain everything...
found myself rambling on, with my voice cracking and my heartbeat speeding up and all of the sudden the room was stuffy and my blood ran cold and...
she wanted to get right into it.
so we did.
i kept criticizing myself the whole time,
thinking i should be better at this,
feeling embarrassed about my entire being.
but she said i was good.
better than most, she said.
apparently most people just flounder about, here and there, when they don't know what they're doing...
but i stuck with it. she thought it was impressive.
all of the sudden my hopes and dreams poured out onto her lap.
i think i almost drowned her.
she just smiled and acted reassuring,
maybe even like she cared about my life story,
and that's when i knew this was what i had been looking for.
for so long.
no more hiding.
it's time for me to sing.
i was really nervous.
she acted like she did this every day.
i think she does.
i felt the need to explain everything...
found myself rambling on, with my voice cracking and my heartbeat speeding up and all of the sudden the room was stuffy and my blood ran cold and...
she wanted to get right into it.
so we did.
i kept criticizing myself the whole time,
thinking i should be better at this,
feeling embarrassed about my entire being.
but she said i was good.
better than most, she said.
apparently most people just flounder about, here and there, when they don't know what they're doing...
but i stuck with it. she thought it was impressive.
all of the sudden my hopes and dreams poured out onto her lap.
i think i almost drowned her.
she just smiled and acted reassuring,
maybe even like she cared about my life story,
and that's when i knew this was what i had been looking for.
for so long.
no more hiding.
it's time for me to sing.
Friday, March 9, 2012
resurfacing.
it's the sickly sweat
when the nausea settles in your core.
"there were twenty seven fatal cuts, and by their number and brutality one could see that the attack had been made with the fury of a love that found no peace, and that [she] had received it with the same passion, without even screaming or crying, reciting Schiller in her beautiful soldier's voice, conscious of the fact that this was the inexorable price of her summer of happiness." -GGM
when the nausea settles in your core.
"there were twenty seven fatal cuts, and by their number and brutality one could see that the attack had been made with the fury of a love that found no peace, and that [she] had received it with the same passion, without even screaming or crying, reciting Schiller in her beautiful soldier's voice, conscious of the fact that this was the inexorable price of her summer of happiness." -GGM
Friday, March 2, 2012
the unnaturally natural fear.
how do we prepare for the loss of a loved one? awaiting an early morning call, gathering tears, practicing composure. we do all we can to resolve fear, bereavement, pity, injustice. praying to a god you've never understood, begging, "let her go softly," just in case someone hears... but these are only corporeal distractions. the mind is still selfish, still panicked, "don't take her from me, please," ...because, in all honesty, is it even possible to truly accept death?
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