purging.

give me the drugs.
you don't have to know.
close your eyes and put them on the table.
you'll never know.
you don't have to know.
it's ok.
i'm not.
give me the drugs.
give them to me. now.



fifteen months.
silence.
repelling like water.
fifteen months.
holding my tongue.
suffering separately.
fifteen. empty. unnecessary.
come back to me.
we need our misery.
together.



desertion. run away.
distraction. you sleep with eyes open.
walk with eyes closed.
disruption. shaken.
america in crumbles.
solid ground is sinking.
disappointment. you are not who i
saw-thought-wanted-wished-hoped
you to be.
go back, leave me to mend the wounds
you've dug into deeper.



you hide.
you're hiding from me.
what. why. who.
i have no meaning.
you have none here.
tell me. tell me. dimela.
you lie to my face.
my back. my side.
hiding from something.
tell me.



give me the drugs.
they're all i want.
all i'll have.
all i'll do.
i won't breathe
think-move-speak
until i have them.
i can't breathe
think-move-speak
until i have them.
they're all i need.
i need them. now.
give them to me.

decisions, decisions...

i could post about how unhappy i am.
i could post about how lonely i am.
i could say that everyone i love has deserted me.
i could say that those i care for don't care back.
i could write about the emptiness inside of me.
i could write about storm brewing in my soul.
i could bitch about life's irony.
i could bitch about quite a lot,, actually.

or i could sit here and keep it all to myself.
until i explode.
or implode.
maybe even simply plode.




i think i've made my decision.

waiting.

i'm just waiting.



waiting for something.



something that may never come.



just waiting....

mirrors.

i am beautiful.
no matter what i think.

elastic heart.

how far will i stretch myself before i break?
...or have i broken already?

i tell myself i can heal, that this is only a tear.
but in the bottom of my elastic heart, i know i've snapped.
i know that my perception of life, and love, and friendship, has shattered.
i know that i have risked my emotions and psychological stability for too many people.
too many people who haven't done the same.

and over the years, it wears you down.
that stretching, bending over backwards, pushing and pulling...

it's finally reached that thousand pound limit.
the thousand pound limit that, in all reality, is probably more like ten thousand.
because i know the strength of my compassion is more than the average weight lifter.
because i know the power of my loyalty is more than a champion team of sled dogs.
and no matter how jaded i may be, i can't stop caring.

damned.
and broken.

cold water.

i wonder what the criteria is for taking a leave of absence.
i'm about ready for it.
although i wouldn't get my loan money, which means i would lose my apartment.
which i'm not ready for.
i don't know what to do.
i can't focus on my classwork.
i can't focus on anything, really.
all i can do is sleep, distract myself with crafts, and attempt to synthesize my emotions.
this is the spiral i've worked so hard at staying away from.
and this is the spiral i've gravitated back to.
i just want someone to help me.

i just want it to end.

some days...

aren't worth waking up for.

endorphins.

mistakes are human nature. i think that's well known.
but what of bad choices? is that because i'm human?
or because i'm what some would call young and without experience?
(because i would beg to differ on that one.)
or is it because i am, simply, me?

i wonder if it's chemical. because i only make these choices in my lowest times.
i wonder if it's emotional. because that's usually the trigger.
i wonder if it's what i believe- at that point- to be logical.
i wonder if it's a combination of them all.

so i made a bad choice.
it was a choice i had avoided making for three years.
it was a choice i struggled with often, during some times, and never, during others.
it was a choice i caved in to when i was left with nowhere, no one to turn to, when the emotions and chemicals were taking over.

i made a bad choice. but i did not make a mistake.
so now i will live with the consequences.
and tonight, i will sleep on my left side.

here's your wall of text.

so maybe you were right.
maybe i am stable...
...until i don't get what i want.

but is that abnormal?
is that unexpected?

when it comes to things like this,
when what i want is something i've been searching for,
when i've found it, right in front of me,
when it's close enough to touch, to taste, to feel,
but it was meant for, given to anyone other than me,
is it really such an unreasonable reaction to fall apart?
to relapse into a state of low self-worth?
wouldn't you break under the weight of this irony?

if i don't deserve you, then what do i deserve?


do i deserve anything at all?

sunday.

i had planned to do a lot today.
i had planned to keep myself busy.
and to keep myself distracted.
i had planned to do class work.
research schools.
organize my samhain party.
i had planned to motivate myself.

but today is the worst kind of day to be alone.
not just to be single. but to be alone.
and that, when it comes down to it, is all i am.
i am stuck with me, myself, and i.
i write in my blog to open the possibility that someone may be reading.
someone may be connecting with my sentiments.
even though i know they're not, and i'm writing to no one.

so now i'll curl up on the couch.
and listen to the wind.
and think about my childhood.
and about my future.
and whether i have one or not.

semantics.

i hate you.

i do.

i hate you for everything you are.

i hate the way you see life in a different light.

i hate the way you notice the smallest details.

i hate the way you can pick up and start over whenever you want.

i hate the way you love music. and coffee.

and writing, and self expression.

i love the way everything i hate reminds me of you.

i love how i can't go a day without thinking of you.

i love how i can't go a day without hating you.

i love how i hate you.

blog posts.

i hate being so
goddamned bipolar
when it comes to you.

justin.

i had a boyfriend once who argued that having children was the most selfish act of all.
what an idiot.

pillow talk.

every night i crawl into bed alone
is another night i realize where i am.
in this world. in this life. in this journey.

some nights i ache for a human touch.
no matter who. no matter why. no matter at all.
sometimes it's love i seek.
(always from an impossible source.)
sometimes it's attention.
(good or bad; just give it to me.)
sometimes it's just the ability
to share myself, my voice, my life with someone.

regardless, midnight is the loneliest hour.
a time meant for magick, for romance, for experience.
all it is for me is a reminder of my isolation.

who knew rejection would be so life-changing?.

freudian coffee mugs.

drinking coffee is an experience.
the beverage aside, there are many variables.
it depends on the time of day, the company, the temperature, and the mug.
today, the experience is generic.
it's kenya, late morning, alone, freshly brewed, and in one of eight black and white mass-produced mugs.
i typically never use these for coffee. they're for tea, if i run out of tea cups.
or for parties or guests.
but today, i chose the sterile black outside, white inside, unflawed mug that only a machine can make.
was this intentional? subconscious? a freudian tap on the shoulder?
perhaps.

goodnite.

i sleep
with pillows
and blankets
bunched up beside me
against my back
so i can feel
like i'm not
so alone.

one is the lonelinest number...

there's something about coming home to an empty house.
it's dark. it's depressing. it's... empty.

i miss being able to relax with someone i love after a stressful shoot.
i miss fussing over dinner and remedial work to do late at night. (i thought i'd never see the day...)
i miss having that sense of security, knowing that no matter what, you're walking into open arms.

so maybe kyle and i weren't perfect for each other. but he loved me. and he was (relatively) dependable.
aside from planning over plans. and forgetting other plans.
but at least i knew he was waiting for me at home.
and i could count on a bear hug and a kiss, and sometimes a glass of wine.

i just want to have that kind of relationship again.
i love the chase, don't get me wrong.
i love the suspense and mystery of falling in love.
but one of the things i miss the most is being that pillar of stability.
and having someone else be that for me, too.

i also miss having someone other than myself to spend my time, money, and thoughts on.
i don't like being stuck with myself so often.
especially in this state.
there's a difference between being alone because you need alone time, and being alone because no one else will be with you.
i thrive in the former. fail in the latter.
i know that's normal. i know that nobody wants to be alone forever.
so, i guess, at least i'm normal.
but that doesn't take away the loneliness.

i know who i am.
i know all about myself.
i know what i like, what i want, what i have.
i know what i want nothing to do with.
i know where i'm going.
(for the most part.)
i just need someone to go there with me.
i need someone to want to go there with me.

you know, you say that i should wait until i'm 37 and in your position. then i'll be allowed to feel panicked. then i can feel eternally alone. but in my heart, i'm at least 30. you've dated 15 people seriously. i've dated 10. you're ready for commitment. i'm ready to settle down. almost. see, i'm closer to your age than you think. our feelings of being out of time are similar. it's one reason for me, another for you. but the emotion is the same. 

we're both running out of time.

what's a synonym for heartache?

i wish i had words for this. i wish i had words for the little things you do. for the way your eyes light up when you're passionate. for the unnoticed gestures, the small compliments you give in your own way. i wish i had words for the memories that flash before you. for the lack of words you've grown up not hearing. for the doubts you have, the questions, the jaded answers. i wish i had the words to make you understand. understand who you are to me. what you are to me. why and how much i love you. am in love with you. have always been. i wish i had the words to tell you these things... but even if i did, i don't know if you would listen.

tidings.

life is an ocean.
which is ironic.
because i'm terrified of water.
and to some degree, i am afraid of life now.
afraid to take chances.
afraid to put myself on the line.
afraid of the rejection, humiliation, depression.

i don't want to be afraid.
but conquering your fears is always a bloody fight.
i've read over and over, "if you let fear stop you from love, you'll finish empty handed. "
i know this. but i also know that if i don't allow myself to love, i will remain stable.
which is more valuable?

which direction do i swim to escape this sea?

empty calories & food for thought.

being empty
is like being full.
except emptier.

sometimes i fail to recognize which state i'm in.
sometimes i fail to recognize if that matters.
i used to be caught up in the difference between feeling overloaded and feeling numb.
now i realize, there is no difference. not in the feeling, at least.

so i take it as it comes.
i adjust. i move on.
i try, at least.

it's strange how quickly life can change on you.
it's strange how quickly your perception of life can change on you.

after all, isn't life just a perception?

no one will ever see it the way you do.
no one will ever know exactly what you know.
no one will ever feel the same emotions you feel.

not exactly.
it's all a perception.

so what is your perceived difference between doing and not doing?
between dreaming and not dreaming?
between feeling and not feeling?