one is the lonelinest number...

there's something about coming home to an empty house.
it's dark. it's depressing. it's... empty.

i miss being able to relax with someone i love after a stressful shoot.
i miss fussing over dinner and remedial work to do late at night. (i thought i'd never see the day...)
i miss having that sense of security, knowing that no matter what, you're walking into open arms.

so maybe kyle and i weren't perfect for each other. but he loved me. and he was (relatively) dependable.
aside from planning over plans. and forgetting other plans.
but at least i knew he was waiting for me at home.
and i could count on a bear hug and a kiss, and sometimes a glass of wine.

i just want to have that kind of relationship again.
i love the chase, don't get me wrong.
i love the suspense and mystery of falling in love.
but one of the things i miss the most is being that pillar of stability.
and having someone else be that for me, too.

i also miss having someone other than myself to spend my time, money, and thoughts on.
i don't like being stuck with myself so often.
especially in this state.
there's a difference between being alone because you need alone time, and being alone because no one else will be with you.
i thrive in the former. fail in the latter.
i know that's normal. i know that nobody wants to be alone forever.
so, i guess, at least i'm normal.
but that doesn't take away the loneliness.

i know who i am.
i know all about myself.
i know what i like, what i want, what i have.
i know what i want nothing to do with.
i know where i'm going.
(for the most part.)
i just need someone to go there with me.
i need someone to want to go there with me.

you know, you say that i should wait until i'm 37 and in your position. then i'll be allowed to feel panicked. then i can feel eternally alone. but in my heart, i'm at least 30. you've dated 15 people seriously. i've dated 10. you're ready for commitment. i'm ready to settle down. almost. see, i'm closer to your age than you think. our feelings of being out of time are similar. it's one reason for me, another for you. but the emotion is the same. 

we're both running out of time.