workin' at the car wash.

i've decided
that i love my job.

every day it's more like a family.
every day it's something new.
even when it's not new, it's still new.

every day, john becomes more like a father and less like a boss.
every day, i feel more important to him and to heather.
and every day, i think they realize how hard i work.
and they appreciate it.

it's nice to be reliable.
it's nice to be liked.
it's nice to be wanted.
and it's nice to be important.

so, yeah.
i love my job.

i wish i could keep it during the school year...
maybe i could work something out.
we'll see.

i am tired.
that is my post.
goodnight.

sleeeeepytime tea...

i don't know why i'm surprised to be sick again.
i spent the entire night coughing so hard i almost vomited.
i need my magic sleepy medicine...
i need sleep. :(

20 reasons.

so, recently, i've been realizing how many little quirks i have.
i think i've lived with them for so long that it just seems normal to me, and i don't notice them anymore.
i've also paid more attention to things that i'm drawn to, and why i'm drawn to them.
collections i have. colors i like. scents i enjoy.

so, here is my feel-good post: 20 reasons why i am me.
after you read mine, i encourage you to do one of your own.
make sure you send me a link, too. :)



i am me because.....

1. i am eclectic.
2. i like owls.
3. i love color. i am afraid of color.
4. my hair changes every three months.
5. i am nostalgic. very, very nostalgic.
6. i love the scent of mango. and lime. and lemongrass.
7. i will never turn down anything cinnamon.
8. i am a collector.
9. i have an obsession for chairs.
10. i keep my dead flowers in liquor bottles.
11. i am educated in the tasting of fine coffee and tea.
12. i am addicted to change. i am afraid of change.
13. my herb garden is my salvation.
14. i organize everything into 45 and 90 degree angles.
15. when i was a child, i read the encyclopedia for fun.
16. i have a fear of water. and mirrors.
17. i am an environmental activist.
18. i will debate with you for entertainment.
19. my lifelong dream is to own a cafe with my father.
20. i am confident in who i am.



now, go explore why you are you.
and share with the world.

victory.

i'm inexpressibly relieved.
i know we're not the whole way through;
i know there's a war waging.
i know it could be years before the smoke has cleared.
but at least we're getting somewhere.

i spoke to a woman last week about her experience with gay marriage.
she was from boston; had been with the same woman since she was 17.
they never wanted to get married, because they thought it was a fad.
they thought that marriage was for straight people.
but they decided to anyway, after they got over their "rebellious outcast" stage.
eventually they moved to new york, and their marriage was no longer recognized.
it made them a little angry, but nothing too extreme.
it was the birth of their son that changed the game.
when theo was born, julia was afraid that she would have to adopt her son.
she would have to go through a legal battle to gain guardianship over the child that she had decided to have.
the child whose father donor was chosen to look like her brother.
the child who she stood by all 9 months and sacrificed time, concern, and money for, even before his birth.
and still, the state would not acknowledge that she was, indeed, also this boy's mother.
being a lawyer, julia found her way through the system and was finally allowed to sign theo's birth certificate as his second mother.
but something as simple as having a child was more of a fight than it should have been.

this woman is inspiring.
so many people like her are inspiring.
and i'm thankful to see that the officials in new york have recognized that.
it's only one step, but it's a big one.
and at least we're getting somewhere.

relax.

daylight.

there's nothing like it.

it's clean. it's brilliant, it's rejuvenating.

invigorating.

i think i'll go for a walk through the creek today.

it'd be nice to reconnect with nature.

although i typically enjoy sharing it with someone else...

and that brings up memories of the people i've shared it with.

which in turn makes me nostalgic and depressed.

but such is life.

i woke up with the intention of writing my morning pages, but once i sat down, i had a few friends message me.

which distracted me from even writing this... not that it's a bad thing, because i haven't talked to one of them in months.

so my plans are a little off track.

now normally i'd try to rectify that and sit down and force myself to write.

but i'm not feeling it anymore.

so i won't.

i'll just sit and Ohm.

i'm not sure if ohm is a verb... but it is now.

my book of koans has been a bit neglected, but when i pick it up i read two or three to make up for it.

but recently, it has told me (or i have told myself through its words) that everything is not as it seems.

and everything is as it seems.

so, then, why do we bother to make something extraordinary out of something ordinary?

why can't we just accept that everything in life is as significant or insignificant as it is?

why must we search for a greater meaning for everything?

why must we be put on this earth for a greater purpose other than to live and experience life?

why can't life just be life?

food for thought.

rinse, repeat.

the hardest thing
is to see someone you love
struggle with themselves
and smother their own potential for happiness.

and. you. can't. do. a. thing.

could someone point me to neverland?

"i'm not young enough to know everything."
-JM Barrie

if it weren't for my horse, i wouldn't have spent that year in college.

last night,
i laughed.
i laughed so hard,
i cried.
i cried so hard,
i sobbed.
i sobbed so hard,
i coughed.
i coughed so hard,
i had an asthma attack.
i asthma-ed so hard,
i passed out.
and slept like a log.
a little log of happiness,
all because of lewis black.


http://comedians.jokes.com/lewis-black/videos/lewis-black---college-horse/

spiders, beans, and thinking machines.

i spent my morning well today.
or afternoon, rather.

i did, in fact, successfully avoid the cleaners.
and i did, as well, make my pot of french press.
kenya, to be specific.
and it was delicious.

you know, there's something about french press coffee that supersedes the entire "coffee" genus.
it could be the thickness;
the dark, chocolatey swirls of velvet waters.
or it could be the smell;
the scent of the land, its people, their stories.
it could even simply be the taste;
the rich, bold, earthy awakening of the palate.
but in all honesty, i think it must be a combination of the three.
the attack of the senses... is only something that a good cup of french press can do.

(there's my little coffee-holic praise for the day. i hope you enjoyed it.)

anyway, the rest of the late morning/early afternoon was spent outside.
i cozied up on the outdoor furniture on the deck, only to find that a little spider had done the same.
i could sense that he was afraid of me, so i picked him up and transported him to the next chair over.
and there he sat, sunbathing, happily ever after.
or at least, until my dog scared him away.

it was beautiful- IS beautiful- outside today, so i took a good 2 1/2 hour chunk of my day to just enjoy the world.
a little Tao helped with that, as well.
i bought a wonderful version a few weeks ago, translated and annotated by renowned author Ursula K. LeGuin.
she grew up watching her father study the Tao, and later took to it herself, so she's spent her entire life studying Lao Tzu.
her commentary is clear, heartfelt, and often times very helpful.
(i'd say it was worth the 18 bucks.)

so, i read the first five passages of book one.
some of these topics, i had been familiar with before.
wu wei, or not doing, as well as yin and yang were primarily the focus.
there were a few lines that stuck out to me throughout the five chapters, though:



"the way you can go 
is not the real way.
the name you can say
is not the real name."
(1, Taoing)




"everyone on earth knowing
that beauty is beautiful
makes ugliness."
(2, Soul Food)




"the way is empty,
used, but not used up."
(4, Sourceless)



here's one for the photographers (although the original reference was probably not a 4x5):


"heaven and earth 
act as a bellows:
empty yet structured,
it moves, inexhaustibly giving."
(5, Useful Emptiness)



i'll leave those up to you to ponder.
shout out your interpretations, if you'd like.
i'll be here all week.

*buh dum tsch!*

and we'll all float on.

here's a brief recap of my day, and a preliminary plan for tomorrow, for a short update.

today, i:
-slept crooked.
-had a wonderful egg, muenster, tomato, & green pepper wrap from Brueggers.
-had a not-so-good cup of coffee.
-spent 25 dollars on wine for my friend.
-spent the day outside on Haags, eating grilled vegetables and chasing fluffy bunnies around.
-stopped at the apartment and hung out with my new roommate. he is the bomb.
-finally picked up my yoga mat.
-bought a grilled veggie wrap at Wegmans, which was less than spectacular.
-ended up eating cold pasta and pineapple instead.
-came home and watched the angry beavers.
-made cookie balls with organic peanut butter, cocoa powder, hazelnuts, and coconut.
-updated my blog.

tomorrow, i will:
-wait until 11:30 to go home (in order to escape the house cleaners).
-brew up a pot of french press.
-start The Artist's Way.
-meditate on my koan of the day.
-see where the day takes me.


goodnight, world. sleep tight.
make sure you let the bed bugs bite... they get hungry, too.

ramble on.

my tea is too hot to drink.
which is ironic, because the coffee is too cold to drink.
but that's what i get for sleeping in until 1pm.
in my defense, the curtains were pulled and my room was as black as infinity.
not that i need an excuse to sleep in late.
i just need to justify it to myself.


i think today is going to be a home day.
i need to clean, for sure.
and relax. and rejuvinate.
my yoga mat is at the apartment, which is a bummer...
but i ought to stop by this weekend anyway to pick up a few things.
i'll just write it on my hand until then.
YOGA MAT. TAN BRA. TEA POT.
yep, that'll do.


i also believe it's time to start The Artist's Way.
i haven't gotten into it yet... read the first page, maybe.
i keep thinking "i'll start this on a monday" and then i forget.
i guess that's another thing to write on my hand.


the jazz festival is coming up.
i'm excited to go this year... i won't be stuck with my parents and their friends.
it's not that i don't like doing things with them...
it's more or less that we're never on the same page.
and they're more schedule oriented when it comes to festivals.
i prefer to wander around and see where my feet take me.


i've been noticing that a lot of aspects of my life are contradictory.
well, not completely.
there are aspects of my personality, i guess, that contradict other aspects of my personality.
take the jazz fest, for example.
i'm normally a very scheduled, pre-planned person.
but there are situations where i need to abandon planning and go with the flow.
i think that's the yin and yang balancing out inside of me.
so when it comes down to it, it's not that i'm contradictory or fake or what-have-you.
it's that i'm genuine, and in harmony.
and i like the sound of that much better.


another personal realization i've had was the result of a quiz in a diet book.
it took me through about 20 questions with the typical A, B, C, D responses.
now i by no means answered every question with "CAKE! ICE CREAM! SUGAR! CAKE!," etc.
but at the end of my quiz, it told me this:

You are a Sugar Fiend. You couls sacrifice every type of unhealthy food- take out, fast food, greasy meat, crbohydrates- but if you don't have something sweet to end a meal, the world might very well end.

100% accurate.
i've successfully phased out every type of poor food choice i can think of (except carbs, but i do eat whole grain and lower the GI with a little bit of fat). but the one thing i cannot do is live life without a little sugar at the end of a meal.
it could be a little chocolate mint.
it could be a fortune cookie.
it could be a bowl of fruit.
it could be a skinny latte.
it could be a chocolate cake.
who knows, who cares. but i can't walk away from the table with out something sweet on my palate.

of course, i never realized this until i took this quiz on tuesday.
go figure.


anyway, i think that's enough rambling for today.
hopefully it wasn't too terribly boring.
if you've read this far, i commend your efforts.
TTFN.

size: ∞

do you ever stop to look in the mirror-
no, physically. not metaphorically-
and stop dead in your tracks?

i mean, yeah, i'm sure you're kind and caring,
loving, honest, and respectful.
maybe even dignified, or successful.
but that metaphorical mirror is a bit nicer than the real one.

maybe it's not the mirror that gets you...
maybe the way you look has nothing to do with it.
maybe it's the way that your clothes fit
(or don't, for that matter).

maybe it's that moment when you walk into your favorite store,
the one who hasn't changed their sizes,
and realize that you can't wear their product anymore.

or maybe it's because you wonder,
while you walk through your newly built house,
if the floorboards are creaking because their old,
or if the dishes in their cabinets are rattling because they're cheap and flimsy.

maybe it's when everyone else starts to notice.
it's when your mom pulls out a giant shirt from her closet and says
"here, see if this fits you."
or when your dad looks at you and says,
"don't worry. a size is just a number."

well you know what?
yes, that mirror is an accurate portrayal of your physical appearance.
yes, you are actually too fat to fit into the clothes you used to wear six months ago.
yes, that rattling is from all 183 pounds of you tiptoeing through the house.
yes, you actually do fit into your overweight mother's clothes.

but no. size is not a number. a four is different from a twelve.
an eight is different from a fourteen.

size is a symptom.
and i'm ready to be healthy again.

eggshells.

i need to post this, but i'm trying to be careful of the way i word it.
after multiple revisions... all i can say is this:


look,
i love you dearly.
you're the best friend i have ever had.
you care about me, and you show it.
you support me when i need the support,
and you ground me when i need to be grounded.
you're always there with the emotional compassion,
and you're right behind it with the logical explanation and advice.
you want what is best for me,
but you also want me to be happy.
when the two fall in line, everything is great.
but when what i want isn't what i need or deserve,
i know that you feel conflicted inside.
how do you tell me that i need to re-evaluate the situation?
how do you explain to me that i'm not seeing clearly?
how do you make me realize it myself, like the flip of a light switch?
and how do you do it without making me resent you for the hope and happiness i'd had?


that's all i'm trying to do for you.
i'm trying to be strong in my conviction, not because it serves me a purpose, but because i know it will save you from repeated pain.
i'm trying to show you that there is hope, that it will all work out, but that you need to be logical about it in the first place.
i'm trying to help you remove the emotional connection that you have to the situation and evaluate it like you normally would.
because i know you would do it all for me. you have done it all for me.
and that's what friends do: they look after each other.


i wish you understood how delicate this situation is for me.
not because it involves her; i love her dearly too. she's a good friend.
but the truth is that you came first, and you've stood the test of time.
and my bond with you is deeper than anything i have with my friends.
you're part of my family. and i can't stand to see you get hurt again. and again.
especially when i know that you're limiting yourself, and there are so many opportunities for you...
...if you could only realize when it's time to let go and move on.


please don't be angry with me. i'm not trying to sabotage your relationship. i'm trying to help you realize your potential.
and you have a lot of it. so don't settle. you deserve more than that. you deserve a lot more than that.


there are very few people in the world that i'll take the initiative to say "i love you" to.
that's because when i say it, i mean it. and i don't screw around with connections that deep.
everything i do is meant to help you. i hope you see that, and don't resent me for expressing my views.
if you read all of this and find yourself disagreeing with me the whole way through, i'll close my mouth on the situation forever.
but if there's a shadow of a doubt, i want you to at least consider what i say.
and where it comes from. which is the depths of my heart.

when taosim saved the world.

i'm at a strange point in my life right now where i've returned to a stable, introspective, social, passionate human being. things are going well for me, even if work is a bit difficult at times and living at home isn't always perfect. but the key to my current state of mind is balance. inner balance, outer balance. logical and emotional, introspective and outrospective (yes, i used that as a legitimate word), creativity and process, silence and speech. i feel the ch'i within me, around me. i feel the yin and her yang in harmony. i feel in connection with every form of life, micro or macro.

and let me tell you: it is a beautiful thing.

this is the piece that has been lost in the scramble of my puzzles for so long. this is what i have dreamed of, craved, needed. to feel whole again, in control again... to have the power to understand that i can do and only do as much as the universe allows me to, that i have full power over my situation until the circumstances are no longer controllable, and to realize that once i no longer have control, it is not from my loss of it, rather from the dictation of balance in all things...

it brings peace to replace where stress once was.
it brings patience, understanding, and a small bit of faith where i once had none.
it brings a logical approach to all things illogical, ill received, or clouded by emotion.

for once, i am able to distinguish when to let go and resign my fate to the world around me.
and that has been much needed for the past ten years of my life.

hello, blogger.

i've missed you.
it's been too long.

there are lots of things going on right now, but i am very tired, so i won't say too much.
if i did, it would all come out as gobbledygook.
and that is no good.

so, it takes a lot for me to get so upset i feel sick about something.
especially when it concerns someone i've never met.
but it just happened as i read a blog post.
and for once, it almost made me say that i hate someone.
or, rather, some group of people.
however i did catch myself, and realized that it's not the people i hate, but the beliefs.

this is all an exercise in controlling my emotional and logical reactions to stimuli.
part of my tao-zen philosophizing.
yes, philosophizing.
which is coming along well, although slowly.
but i bought a newly annotated copy of the Tao the other day.
and a book of koans; i have a koan a day for an entire year. plus a few months.

i'm excited to start meditating on schedule again.
i'm excited to start practicing something theraputic again.
i'm excited to start something.

and right now, i'm excited to go to bed.
good night, moon light.