so, i know i didn't post yesterday. however, i did write. i shot out a short poem in the afternoon at some point, which is on my RESPIRATE blog. take a look if you'd like. anyway, i have a bit of a post for today. there's a lot on my mind that needs to come out.
i've lost another friend. this is the ?th friend who has turned their back on me, taken what i've given them and used it against me, warped their personalities and declared jihad against me. it's like it's a core part of his being now to hate me, to make me miserable, and then to martyr himself when he's quite obviously the one to blame. i don't know how many times this has happened to me. or why it happens all the time. i've guessed that it's simply a byproduct of being a strong woman with a set of values and courteous practices that i enforce and expect to be practiced back towards me. is it too much to ask that you take out your own trash instead of letting it pile up in the living room for months at a time? is it too much to ask that when you spill spaghetti on the floor, you pick it up? is it too much to ask that you run the disposal so your food doesn't rot in the kitchen sink? i just don't understand why these aren't standard practices...
on another note, i've lost another friend. i've realized that there are people who are simply too fragile to become involved with. i should have never expressed my feelings for him, or grown attached to him. i should have kept my distance and remained friends, muses, poets with a kindred vision. unfortunately, mr. porcelain can't fathom the idea of physically being near me anymore. he needs to "stay away from stressful situations," because, you know, walking down the train tracks and listening to our favorite bands for hours on end is stressful. or something. the truth is, i miss him terribly. and i wish i could have taken that first kiss back, because at least then i would still be able to see him. and seeing him, being around him, thinking and talking with him late at night is what wakes the artist inside of me. but now that hope is gone, and i suppose i need to find another way to feel appreciated for one hundred percent of who i am. if there is a way.
to switch topics entirely, it's finally spring here. i took a ride today, 35 minutes both ways, with the windows open and Adele in the stereo. it felt great. driving is a really good place for me to be. if driving could be considered a place, that is. which, i consider it a place. so it is. but it truly is the only way for me to escape reality and embrace myself. no distractions, no people, no fake conversations or reasons to multitask. all i can do is drive. and sing. and be whoever i feel i am that day. if i had a green car, i would take more road trips. unfortunately, i can't justify burning fuel and supporting the oil industry while we have clean alternatives. i'm too much of a hippie for that.
i've also noticed that i'm happiest when i sing. it's another form of escape for me, to get lost in the music and have its energy flow through me and resonate with my body. i can't explain the feeling it gives, but i know that each singer feels it. because that's what makes a singer. and once you have that moment, well, you don't forget it.
i need more music in my life.
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