well, i haven't posted in a while. suppose it'll be good for my brain to vomit all over a single page, instead of spitting on multiple passerby's instead...
oddly, diary of a superfluous man gave me this desire to begin blogging again. after a slow period, where everything seemed to be speeding by so quickly i didn't have time to see it, let alone capture and reiterate it...
this russian literature is curious. the russian philosophy is curious. russians are curious. especially russian women, whom i have had poor experiences twice in a row. but that's nothing; professors no longer upset me. i've conquered this campus.
back to russian lit. i've fallen in love with both turgenev and chekhov... i have no idea which i enjoy more. turgenev's first love remains my favorite short story, russian or not. but some of his other tales don't quite allure me.chekhov, on the other hand, is a constant sense of companionship. his "byt"- everyday- stories have a place in my heart for their beautiful, painful, and ultimately pointless tales. to be honest, sometimes turgenev and chekhov seem to blur together... perhaps it's because i enjoy them both so much, half the time i don't know who i'm reading.
the ad project is winding down. i'm ridiculously excited to see the work my kids have done. i take a certain pride in ricardo's work... i've been guiding them the whole way through, and the realization of their ideas has made such an impression on me. this is the ultimately, endlessly rewarding job. i hope to make a career of it soon.
i have an appointment tomorrow morning; that marks four weeks since my last visit. it's strange to think that an entire month has gone by and i have yet to think of bob. sure, every once in a while, something relevant will bring him up. but do i regret it? i don't know how i could. i believe that it worked out for the best, as everything always does. i may not believe in God in his throne up in the clouds, but i also do not believe in coincidence.
looks like work is coming up for me. i'd very much like the opportunity to work with stormfrog. i think joe is very interesting, and even more creative. but i have yet to fully understand his skills and visions... hopefully this will give me more insight into what drives the machine.
my eyes are tired; i find myself reaching for these glasses more and more often. i'm constantly on top of this screen, distorting my vision. even reading becomes strenuous for me now. i admit that i don't have any severe problems, and to some it may seem silly that i have readers... but my vision is my career, and i'm not about to take a chance. i'm hoping to get better lenses in soon... that would help enormously.
erin and i have begun to talk again. it's interesting how this one of my only two grudges instantly melted once she wrote to me. it's not the same as it used to be; it couldn't be, obviously. i know i have changed a deal and she must have as well. for now we're spending time catching up on the past five or six years... it all seems so strange. it brings about so many memories... ones i would rather forget. makes me anxious, upset, ashamed, regretful... but again, i was a child. i did what children do. i was no exception to the mass stereotype of a teenager.
part of me wants to tell her what happened with justin... not that i want to shove it in her face, or gain her pity. that's the last thing i would like. i suppose it's just out of a want to make her aware, to clue her in to what happened after she left. clue her in to what happened when she and our friends abandoned me, left me with no one to turn to but him... and the unfortunate tidings that brought. i don't want to be a victim, but i do want to be heard. i want to increase the understanding of these situations among teens and young adults; to assure them that there is hope. sure, i still have flashbacks, and anxiety attacks... but i'm getting better. and compared to some, i feel i have such a light case and don't deserve to acknowledge it or fight against it. but this seemingly un-abusive offense has rocked me terribly; so what of those who've had worse? who will have worse? i can't let it lie in good conscience.
haven't eaten much today. again. dad says my face is getting thinner.... i wish i could believe him. i really do need to make an effort to exercise... i need to lose this extra weight and prove to myself that i have control of my life. the problem is doing it healthily... that's always the problem.
anyway, i think that's enough for now. i've been sitting in the same place for four hours now. time to walk around.
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