all things affected by the ebbing and flowing of bonds and facades.

kyle is sleeping.
he's exhausted, i can tell.
he was out before he even hit the pillow.

i, as usual, am in for another night of struggling to sleep.
it's not the sleep that's the problem.
it's the inability to shut off my mind and submit myself to an idle state.

i've been lying here for an hour already, tossing and turning.
watching him sleep.
wanting to be with him.
but i've trapped myself out here, in a lonely mental state.
and i can't escape.

one by one, i'm losing my friends.
it's been happening for a long time.
it's natural.
but that doesn't ease the pain of loneliness.

kenna reminded me of a quote today.
from batman, no less.
"i know what everyone wants. everyone wants to be wanted."
and it's true.
and i do.
but i don't know if i am.

every now and then i try to crawl into kyle's arms and curl up.
i look for a touch or a sigh or anything to tell me he's awake.
to tell me he's somewhere to run to, someone to run to.
but as i wait for him to stir, i slowly realize that i'm in this alone.

he's upset, too.
his friends are graduating.
some of them, anyway.
and that makes him feel sad.
and sorry for himself.
so there's no space left in his mind or heart for sympathy for me.

my friends are graduating too.
most of them aren't close to me, but i will miss their company.
i will miss their change of pace.
and i will miss feeling somewhat appreciated, even if it's just for being a new face.

my best friends have either left or are leaving.
one moves, one falls out of love, one changes, one carries on into the next phase of life.
and here i am again, with my parents and my boyfriend.
and not many others.
not many others to influence or be influenced by.
not many others to show or be shown the true state of things by.
not many others to put life in perspective, to dream little silly dreams, or to waste thoughts and rambles with.

i feel utterly alone and smothered by the weight of relationships.
by the weight of the cycle of the world.
by the ebbing and flowing of bonds and facades.



and i believe the universe is trying to tell me something.
so now, i shall sit back and listen.
and wait for the cycle to start again.