i feel like...

...myself again.

i don't think it's from losing kyle, because i had planned to take this summer and be more aware of myself long before this happened.
but i do think that it's pushed me further and given me a reason to start right away.

example: i'm ditching my high school room.
it's been a huge part of me for the last 8 years. or more.
i tried to let go of it last summer, but couldn't.
i guess it was all of the nostalgia...
the photographs, the band posters, the article clippings, the paraphanalia of my dark and twisted high school soul.
it all brings back so many memories.
good, bad, wonderful, terrible.
but all of it was essential to who i am, or, was, at the least.

and that's what i've realized.
just because it had a big role in my years of growing up doesn't mean that i have to hold onto it so closely.
it doesn't mean that i have to stay frozen in time.
i can let go.
i can take it and make something beautiful with it.
make a tribute to my adolescence.

so that's what i'm going to do.
i'm photographing every angle, every corner, every detail of my room.
i'll print it out, put it in a book.
maybe write out certain memories that pertain to that bookshelf, that burn on the dresser, that piece of paper from 11th grade where everyone had to write something nice about you.
i'll make a book, and then i'll collage.
the articles, the magazine pages with my favorite bands, the inspiring quotes that drove me to think differently...
i'm thinking a giant collage, spread out over 4 or 5 canvases.
that way, i can take it all with me.
or store it away for a rainy day.
a day when i need to remind myself of where i came from.

and then my bedroom can take on a new life that reflects my needs now, as a 20-something year old.
which, mainly, is peace.
i need a space for meditation.
a space for a clean mind.
somewhere to retreat to, to relax and clear the skies.
that's the one thing i've realized i'm missing in my life: a space of my own that doesn't embody chaos.
a space of my own that doesn't interfere with my emotions, thoughts, or desires.
a space of my own that functions as a space, an environment, an atmosphere, and nothing else.

and another example: i'm going back to buddhism. take that, america.