apprehension.

i'm excited to go to toronto.
i haven't been in about a year, and i always love visiting the city.
(i consider it to be the "big city" of upstate new york.)

i'm also excited to see steven perform again.
it's been nearly a year since i've seen him.
last time, it was a Q&A, which was really interesting...
i got to take a picture with him and my dad.
it's a really horrible picture, but nevertheless, not many people get to take photos of themselves standing next to their idols.
so i cherish it.

i guess i could make it a goal to get a better one.
i didn't really get to speak to him much in september either, so if i can, i'd like to spit a few idiotic, over-excited, humble-mumble of gratefulness to him.
we'll see how late we can wait up for him after the show.

i'm really nervous about running into alec.
i'm nervous i'm going to see him.
i'm nervous i'm not going to see him.
i don't know what to think anymore, let alone what to feel.
it's all gotten so twisted up... it feels like an old dream most days.
if only i could let go...

i don't want to put kyle in an awkward situation, but if i do see him, i'm not going to ignore him.
i've been dreaming about him recently.
nothing unfaithful. just reliving memories.
and dreaming of a day when i'll be able to see him again.

i lost my poet companion.
i lost my hippie companion.
i lost my musician companion.
it's not that we had these three things in common...
it's that we felt the exact same way about the exact same aspects of these three things.

i've always felt that everyone has more than one soul mate.
i think there are different types of soul mates.
any one of them can make for a relationship...
but that doesn't mean it'll be a successful relationship.

i'm not sure how many soul mates i have...
but i know i've found at least 2 of them.
i say "at least" because realizing someone is a companion soul usually takes a retrospective view.
and two of mine have come and gone.
one was david, my best friend, my brother for so many years.
the other was alec.

there's a difference between a good friend and a soul mate.
a good friend is a good friend.
when the friendship fades, it hurts every once in a while.
it's difficult, no doubt.
but usually, you move on.
you can eliminate your feelings from the situation and say "this is what was meant to happen."

when a soul mate leaves you, the world stops turning.
life loses its meaning. nothing makes sense.
it hurts. oh, it hurts like dying.
not just for a week. not a month. not a year.
it hurts for many years to come.
and left in their place is a void.
like the part of you that connected with them... decided to get up and leave too.
and you're no longer complete.



yeah, losing a friend sucks.
losing a soul mate is painful.